It was my plan to write a regular old DIY/home decor post this week. Really it was. But the problem with “my” plan is that sometimes, it isn’t actually “THE” plan, if you know what I mean. Sometimes, what I want gets completely annihilated.
It’s been raining here. Not literally, mostly. But figuratively, definitely. And it’s been raining for a while.
I have a big birthday coming up. You may be able to guess which one. Here’s a hint:
That’s me with my Dad. And if those pants, the shag rug, and that orange fake tree behind the plaid cushioned rocking chair aren’t dead giveaways to the era I was born in, well, I’m just not going to hold your hand through this calculation anymore.
So this big birthday. I *thought* that I was A-OK with it coming round. But then I noticed that my searches on eBay and Craigslist were changing a bit. Where before I had typed “vintage mirror” or “antique desk” in the search bar, I found myself typing “vintage Alfa Romeo Spider” and “1960’s MGB convertible”. WHOA. Where did this come from?
I began to ponder. And pondering is dangerous if you happen to be me. Example? While all my college besties were partying their tails off on graduation night…I was pondering. Alone. In my car, driving aimlessly around campus sobbing about how the best years of my life were over.
On the night that the first of my closest childhood girlfriends got married, pondering left me inconsolably crying at her reception. I bawled about how all my friends were growing up and getting married, and once again, our lives were over.
In case you thought I was kidding. Here’s the proof, and what is now an epic, albeit pathetic and ridiculous reminder of my behavior. Shot in the whilst in the throes of my tantrum, and being consoled by the wedding coordinator. Wish I could say it’s a photoshopped-celebrity-rag-fake. TEMPORARY INSANITY.
You get the drift. Sometimes, my brain gets the better of me. And I think this big birthday may be bringing that contemplative-craziness on…AGAIN.
As I said, it’s been raining. I lost my Grandmother this month.
And she was a really important person in my life. I admired her greatly. She was a brilliant feminist who could also cook a mean beef stroganoff. She could sew a dress, three pillows, four sets of curtains, a winter coat and eight sets of pajamas in about 2 hours. She was educated and well traveled and worked up until almost the day she died. She has been with me every Christmas, my whole life.
I miss her.
So, that was when the rain really started falling. And THEN,
THIS. And sorry about the bad images folks, but this is a gloomy, bad pic kind of post. That’s me and my friend Amanda in a taxi in NYC last November. And this was the very exciting moment right before a big disappointment. We were finalists being interviewed for a new HGTV show. And we were over the moon excited. Then…we didn’t get picked.
I got over it…mostly. Fast forward until, well, two weeks ago. I flew down south for another HGTV screen test. This time, I was EVEN MORE excited about the opportunity. Guess what? Didn’t get picked AGAIN. They picked a gal with a “southern accent” instead.
So now, it’s pouring. And my birthday is looming.
Guess what I do? I ponder.
This is me. About 15 birthdays ago. I had just graduated with my doctorate degree from Duke. I got a job at arguably the best hospital in the country. I was going to help people and do great things and make the world a better place. That was my plan.
Then I got married. And my kids were born. And at some point, I realized that I really wasn’t that great of a physical therapist. I realized I was much better at rehabilitating furniture than I was at rehabilitating people. I figured out that I had a knack for decorating, and real estate really made me happy.
But how could that be?? This isn’t my plan. Decorating doesn’t seem that important. Painting furniture doesn’t let me save the world.
It’s a conundrum, right? I know. I’ve been pondering and I figured that part out.
So, this morning I’m mulling over this whole mess, and my lack of direction, and missed opportunities, and my looming birthday, and how I’m starting to roll like Indiana Jones’ boulder down some imaginary metaphor-esque mountain. And I’m doing this as I stain my deck. You see, we had a temporary break from the literal rain today. It was still cloudy, but the rain let up for a bit. So I got out my paint sprayer, and I did what I do. I D.I.Y. I fix the stuff. I paint the things.
And there I stayed until we got the call.
The call that the sky was falling. We have a lovely little 1950’s cape cod that we lived in a while back and painstakingly renovated over a two year period…room by room, inch by inch. It’s a rental right now, and our tenants called this morning and said their ceiling caved in.
YUP. It was literally raining DRYWALL.
Here’s a shot of that room pre-disaster…
And back to reality. UGH.
We cleaned, and cleaned, and cleaned the deluge of drywall. And I hate to admit it, but I pouted. I pouted like I was back at my friend’s wedding. I pouted about this not being my plan. I pouted about my big birthday and giving up my career and how I haven’t figured anything out or saved the world yet.
And the thing is, nobody got hurt. Nothing truly valuable was lost or irrevocably harmed. THANK GOD, right?!
And that’s the thing. I really get sucked up in “my plan” sometimes. It’s hard for this Type A to not operate 100% of the time looking out at life from behind a checklist. But I am trying to learn to let go and let a power greater than me take the wheel. I suck at it, but I’m trying.
I’m struggling with understanding the gifts I’ve been given, and how I’m supposed to use them. I’m struggling to figure out how I can use them in a way that is meaningful.
And I don’t have answers. Just questions. But, that’s life, right? We have to have that rain before we have our rainbow.
And Lord knows, I’ve had a lot of rain lately. Today, after spending the whole morning staining the deck, then the whole afternoon painstakingly cleaning up Chicken Little’s worst nightmare, I get home, and THIS:
OK, last bad picture, but that’s the sky opening up and just upchucking all over my morning of hard work.
IT’S STILL RAINING.
But I have just enough faith to know it’s gotta get better. It always does. I just have to trust in a plan that’s bigger than any I may have already fabricated for myself. I’m trying. And I’m waiting as patiently as a non-patient person possibly can.
Thanks for listening. I probably don’t say it nearly enough, but I really appreciate you all sticking around and hanging out with me here. You guys are so encouraging and have helped create such a wonderful, safe space where we can all learn and grow and support each other in our DIY adventures. Back to business next week. Pinky swear.
Catherine says
I’m sitting here, 4:30 in the morning…couldn’t sleep and found your blog and have been on it since 1am! This post couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m a nurse…divorced 5 years ago, slowly renovating my home in between working crazy hours when my back went….really went. I’m at home recovering from my 3rd surgery in a year. I am 44. My “friends” have scattered as I worked so many hours I couldn’t keep up with most of my friendships. This surgery was a big one. I’m just about to finally get out of needing the hospital bed and walker 5 weeks later. I love being a nurse, I do, but my passion is still renovating and chalk painting. I’m dying to own a tea shop or a bed and breakfast! I know how you feel about everything coming down at once. I have no family left in the U.S., its just me and my three beautiful kids. My relationship from the last five years is ending. He has anger issues and depression and i have spent enough time trying to “fix him”….as nurses do! The end just came at a bad time, but when you go through something like what I just did and can’t rely on that person to be a rock for you for a change, well something just has to give! So it shall. I too am hoping that God is opening new doors for me. I need some real friends in my life that mirror the heart I have. You are a lovely woman and your family is beautiful! It doesn’t matter what you have in the end, its who you have! xoxo
Heather says
Thanks so much for finding me, and writing. I so hope that your back heals now after this latest round and that you can get back to those things that you find uplifting and fulfilling…be it nursing or chalk painting or the like. 44 is young, and I hope that someday you can look back at this “bump” and see that it was worth going through so you could come out the other side to something truly wonderful. Keep rocking it for your three…you are a fighter, and you’ll win this battle sister!
Nicki says
I understand how you feel completely. I earned my masters degree in school counseling in 1998, and I have been working as a school counselor since 2000. My job is so important, and I am helping kids! In certain instances, I am saving them. And even though I love my students, and I care about their well being,
and I know how important and necessary being a school counselor is, in the past few years, my heart just isn’t in it the way it used to be. Through my blog, I have found my passion! And it seems so insignificant compared to my actual job. Blogging? Decorating? DIY? Trash to treasure? I know people don’t get it. I continually day dream about quitting my job and blogging and DIYing full time. But I am good at my job and people tell me the kids need me. It is quite the conundrum. Financially, right now, I can’t afford to quit anyway, so I will be staying in my job. But secretly, I dream of the day that I can pursue my own passions full time!
Heather says
You totally get it, Nicki! YES to ALL of that. It is a conundrum, and I’m tempted to tell you that the kids need you, too. But I don’t think that’s my place. It’s up to each of us to decide our paths, I think…although a lot of that path seems dictated by circumstance…financial, family, etc. right? And I think it’s ok that our paths kind of diverge and change course…maybe because we were called in one direction a decade ago doesn’t make it wrong for us to realize our direction and goals have changed, you know? I hope you find some clarity…and if you do, can you send some my way too? TIA 🙂
Paula@SweetPea says
I’m sorry that you are going through a rough patch, Heather. It does seem like when it rains it pours, doesn’t it?
Your grandmother sounds like an amazing lady and I know that you’ll miss her terribly. And as far as HGTV goes, I am so impressed that you’ve tried out for shows twice. You’ll be great when you are selected and I truly think that you will one day!
Slightly Coastal says
I wish I had something funny, witty, and original to write to you after reading this post…but I don't. Instead, I will share with you that I believe this IS your calling. You are doing what you are supposed to be doing and it is so clear. Instead of thinking your life has taken a right turn and you have lost your navigation, maybe you are on the right course and all of those past accomplishments were really just mile markers leading you to your destination. By the way, you haven't arrived yet. This is just another mile marker, and the next, and the next…. Sorry to get all philosophical on you up in here. But I too, ponder these things (usually when listening to The Cure). Okay, I had to thrown one 80's reference in there for you. Smile.
Heather says
You're the best, Nancy. Thank you for this 🙂
Julie redheadcandecorate.com says
Okay, first of all you look 30. So, lets focus on that and know that the rain will stop soon. I am so sorry about your grandmother. She was beautiful, and sounds like an amazing person. Keep focusing on the blessings you have been given and forget the damn plan. Just keep trying to have fun, and do what you do best. You are so amazingly talented!!! I just turned 46 and the 40's are the BEST so far. XO
Ashley @ 3 Little Greenwoods says
Oh how I wish I could hug you neck right now! You have had a huge amount of "rain" sent your way lately. My grandmother passed away last spring and it was very hard knowing that there would be no more Christmas pajamas under the tree from my Mema.
{{BIG hugs}} and lots of love to your almost 40 fabulous self!
Gilly @ Colour Saturated Life says
That just made me laugh and cry and want to hug you! I am sending a hug, seems like you need one. I get having "the plan" and the life choosing to go a WHOLE other direction and you are just left there spinning in place just trying to work out where you are and what you are meant to be doing. Just know you are not alone. xo
Heather says
I will TAKE that hug Gilly. Thanks for the offer. I can definitely use it 🙂
AJ Logsdon says
Heather – I love this post because you really are owning your vulnerability and offering it up for others to learn from. If I could write as well as you do I would tell you how much I have ALWAYS been impressed by you and STILL very much am.
“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection." – Brene Brown
You take everything by storm and do it with gusto and then in the process you document it on this blog for the world to benefit. If you didn’t write about the hard days – it wouldn’t be real. Whether you are standing next to one of your friends at their marriage, graduating, painting a deck, conquering a big b-day first or keeping 3 kids & a hubby alive, well and HAPPY – you always do it with style & love. You are an incredible friend and supportive daughter, you are talented designer, educated woman and if it means anything to you MY role model. Today – as the ceiling is literally falling and you are missing your Grandmother – let it rain because tomorrow YOU are the sunshine in our lives.
Going to NYC was so exciting and the opportunity of HGTV was something I didn’t think I was capable of – YOU made it possible for me to consider it at I time when I really needed it. I firmly believe it was not mean to be. There is something else bigger and better for both of us. Just keep stedfast, design away, look hot in your sportsbra and scrubs as only you can! Your birthday is just a number – celebrate the life you have lived SO fully and well. Love you girl! – Amanda
Heather says
You are the sweetest, AJ. And I love that Brene Brown quote, and I ADORE you. Hope you are enjoying your family time right now. Smooches!
Lynn Moll says
Hi Heather…just wanted to chime in and say that your little ole boat is actually a cruise ship, and there are lots of us onboard with you! Finding a way to use the talents God gave us to make others' lives better is probably life's most difficult challenge. But here's the thing…you are not only making a better life for your family, you are reaching out and sharing your talents with many you don't even know, so the ripple effect is happening, even though you can't see it all the time. Remember that God created a world of beauty for us, and that He honors our efforts to make our little worlds (our homes) beautiful and nurturing for those we love. And remember too that many women benefit greatly from people like you that inspire us and share their talents generously. The sense of community and friendship created on blogs like yours touches lives in a truly meaningful way. So just know that what you do DOES matter, and that you bring a little joy and sunshine to the lives of your readers with each and every post. I lost my mom in February, so I know what you are feeling about your Grandma. Your memories of her will gradually replace the tears with smiles, I promise! Wishing you rainbows! With love, Lynn in Florida
Heather says
Lynn, I am so sorry about your Mom. Mom's are supremely important. I hope that you are healing and that sun is starting to shine a bit for you again, too. Reading your comment was such a comforting way to start my day. I really, truly appreciate you taking the time to write it. It has given me food for thought, and I think you have hit the nail on the head…and on a DIY blog, that's a great thing to do 😉 Thanks so very much.
Nikki says
Hang in there. I'm sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I know how painful it can be to lose someone you love like that. I, too, hate when things don't pan out as planned, but I'm one of those that believes things happen for a reason. Not sure what the reason would be for raining on your DIY, but still…
Heather says
I know you're right Nikki. Thanks for the kind words. It means a lot.
Elisabeth says
Oh you poor thing! Yes, it's true! You have a right to be feeling a bit broken right now. Don't concern yourself about the pouting; pout away – it's your turn! We all get stuff like this – ALL of us. We all get to have our turn to pout. Go on, live it! This too will pass.
Gotta say, I'm with you on the plan, the weird skills, etc. I started out as a nurse, but my skills are in fixing stuff, doing stuff, organising stuff. Beats me how that can help the world! I really struggle with this after having been a nurse. (Am I still a nurse, I wonder?). Being a nurse is selfless, caring for others, nurturing, helping people. I liked that feeling. Now everything else pales, even though I'm so good at all this practical stuff. I've never heard anyone with the same problem as me! Thank you!!!! Guess we just get what we get and have to muddle along. But, as you say, I really thought I'd do wonders in the world, and fixing stuff, restoring stuff doesn't seem to cut it. I love it to bits though!
Take care of you x
Heather says
WOW! That's an amazingly familiar story! It definitely makes me feel better knowing I'm not the only one in this little ol boat. It feels better not being out here alone 🙂 Thanks so much for your comment Elisabeth! So nice to "meet" you.
Emily McCauley says
Gah, I had an amazing comment written then hit "sign out" :/
Oh Heather, how I wish we had had time to really chat during Haven, and not in a restaurant or the Atlanta airport. Clusters of shittyness come around once in a while and I deal by pouting and throwing my hands up. But shortly after I do that, something amazing comes out of nowhere and totally snaps me out of it and inspires me again…this last time that was Haven 😉 I struggle with the career questions, guilt, and uncertainty constantly and unfortunately I don't have any advice yet there. Doing what really makes you happy isn't as easy as it sounds. Just know that you are insanely awesome, that there are others who are right there with you, and that something will swoop in soon and carry you out of the shittyness, I just know it 😉 Much love and hugs friend! <3 <3
Heather says
You're so right. Doing what we love ISN'T as easy as it sounds. Day by day, I guess we just keep choosing. I don't know either, Emily. But it's good to surround yourself w/ good peeps, and I'm glad we have each other!
Delilah says
Hang in there sweetie!! I had a hard time turning (ahem) 40 last year. And now I'm 41! And guess what…. nothing changes! Haha! It's just a number.
Losing your grandmother, however, is a biggie! I'm so sorry for your loss. You're in my prayers!
The HGTV will happen! And if it doesn't…then maybe God is trying to protect you from something!
Hugs!!
Heather says
I know you're right about the 40 thing, Delilah. I'm shocked that it's even been a "thing" for me. Although, I don't know why I'm shocked b/c I recall feeling like the sky was falling at 29 too 😉 I can laugh at my own ridiculousness, thankfully. Keeps me laughing A LOT. Thanks so much for writing. It means a lot.
Anele @ Success Along the Weigh says
I'm sorry you're going through this but oddly relieved that I'm not the only one who thinks this way. It's a hard way to be when you're an analytical person and I suspect if you're like me, you'd find it hard to apply the same advice you'd give others to your own situation. (I can easily tell someone "things will work out" or "maybe this happened for a reason" but in the end it doesn't make me feel better when someone says it to me.) Today I'm going through a hard time but all I needed was to vent to someone, for them to validate that what I'm going through sucks and they feel the same way even though there's nothing that can be done.
So I'm here to say this sucks, I'd feel the same way and I hope you make it out the other side with some kind of new perspective! ((HUGS))
Heather says
You are TOTALLY correct on point 1, Anele 😉 And THANKS for the validation. And if you need some back at ya, you know where to find me. Appreciate you taking the time to chime in…you are such a reliable, awesome, thoughtful person. THANK YOU, Anele.
Shanna Gilbert says
Girl this just plain ol sucks. When it rains it pours and you are definitely getting poured on. They say bad things come in threes. Your grandmother passing, the HGTV thing and the drywall disaster. Hopefully it's all over now. The fact that you made it that far in HGTV tryouts is awesome. It means they see something special in you and they just haven't matched up your awesomeness with the right project yet but I know they will. I too struggle with "am I doing the right thing with my life" everyday. I may not know exactly where I'm going in life but I know things could be worse. I could be stuck in a job that I hate and dread going there everyday. I think we both will end up right where we are supposed to be eventually I just wish there was a damn map to get us there.
Heather says
I'm SO glad I met you 🙂 You make me smile. Let's be friends forever 🙂
Cassie @ Primitive & Proper says
all i can say is that we have all been there and we all go through it…. i have had my fair share of total let downs over the past few years, but in the end i stop and look at all of the wonderful moments and things i have been given and let those be my focus. but i have definitely pouted as well…. like when we didn't get the house we wanted. but then something better came along. like when the store i was supposed to partner in fell through. but then sweet clover came along. when nate berkus called me. twice. but then ok there is no but then on that one i just pouted and hated on nate. 😉 but my point is mostly these things happen and when the do it sucks and it is hard to see the rainbow through the rain, but when it comes it's better than you could have expected.
and additionally, i am not "living my dream" like so many think. i love what i do but i know there is more and i struggle with this, too- what is it i am meant to do because i KNOW there is something greater and i am just on the outskirts now.
keep your head up- you are talented and funny and things will become clearer to you.
Heather says
You are the sweetest, and quite possibly the wisest Cassie 😉 Thanks for the perspective talented friend 🙂
Leigh Anne Watts says
I know exactly what you mean. Been in that boat (might be in it a little bit right now….) and I won't try to make you feel better because I know words don't always really help. But you are definitely not alone. Thanks for sharing your heart.
Heather says
Thanks Leigh Anne. Empathy is the best, and I really appreciate your words. You are a total sweetheart and I'm so happy you've come into my little world 🙂
A Designer At Home says
I'm really sorry you're going through this. I've been going through a lot of "rain" lately, too. If you ever need to just complain about it, I'm here to listen!
Heather says
Thanks Corinna. I know you would listen. And the offer goes both ways friend 🙂
Anne says
Sometimes when it rains it pours, but look at the amazing job you did when you renovated it. Things will get better, oh but I hate those road blocks don't you?
Heather says
I know. Road blocks are tough. Super helpful and makes you grateful in the end, but definitely a bit tough in the moment. Thanks so much for chiming in Anne.
Lory at Designthusiasm says
Here's the good news… I've got about 15 years on you and I promise, the older you get, the more comfortable you get in your skin and the more you realize "the plan" is irrelevant. Making the world (even your own little world) a beautiful place IS saving the world. Creating a home for your family is as worthwhile an endeavor as any, and yes, the fact that no one got hurt means everything. So sorry to hear about your grandmother, but how lucky you are to have had the relationship. Wishing you lots of sunshine and a very happy birthday!
Lory
Heather says
Thanks so much for this Lory. You are ever so right on every level. Really appreciate your comment 🙂 Made me smile 🙂 🙂