9 WORST EVER Gift Ideas for Wife…
It is gift guide season. You’ve seen them. You’ve probably received 2703 emails with some sort of gift idea guide enclosed. And there are alllll kinds of guides out there for every sort of person.
There are gift guides for gamers. Gift guides for music teachers. 20 gift ideas for single women over 55. Thirty-three things that NASCAR fans want this holiday season.
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With all these recommendations swirling around, it’s a wonder any gift actually gets purchased. Those good intentions can easily devolve into a case of over-analysis paralysis. And that’s why I’m writing this. Because sometimes it’s easier to approach a problem from the standpoint of figuring out what you should NOT do or buy, rather than the reverse.
That said, here are 9 things you absolutely positively should definitely, unequivocally, most decidedly NOT buy your wife for Christmas.
1.) Shapewear of ANY kind.
Men, if you find yourselves wandering through a lingerie department this holiday season, stop and ask yourself a simple question. “Why am I here?” If you’ve been married at least 3 years, AND/OR have at least one child, I’m fairly certain your wife does NOT want anything that can be found there, unless it’s plaid, has buttons down the front and is about as racy as a Bingo game at the senior center on a Friday night.
Avoid anything with lace. Also, steer clear of materials that somehow count as clothing but are shockingly transparent. In fact, shy away from anything that is NOT flannel.
And for the love of Jesus, Joseph, Mary and all that is beautiful this Christmas season, if you pick it up and it stretches then snaps back and hurts your hand, put it DOWN and RUN. That’s shapewear. AKA the modern version of the 19th-century corset. You buy her anything from a brand that starts with an “S” and ends in “panx” I cannot guarantee your safety, sir.
Need a GOOD idea in the sleepwear department? Here are some GREAT options that I think most ladies would likely love. Click on any of the PJ’s to go to the store where they can be seen:
2.) Books that are from the “personal growth” “self-help” “parenting” or “relationships” aisles.
So she loves to read. Great! Books can be a fantastic idea. BUT, if she perceives that your book has some sort of hidden agenda to help her become a better wife or mother…you’re in trouble, big guy. Sure, you walked into Barnes & Noble and the book was prominently displayed on a table with other best-sellers.
Made it a quick and easy trip, perhaps. But boy oh boy, if she sees that you bought her a fresh copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” or “50 Things to do before seeing a Psychiatrist” you better hope it’s a psychiatrist she’s calling and not a divorce attorney.
Need some recommended reading suggestions? Here are a few very popular ideas for bookworm wives:
3.) Items that have ANYTHING to do with cleaning something.
“But it’s organic lavender countertop spray and she loves lavender,” you may tell yourself. If you find yourself thinking such thoughts, take your right hand from your pocket, and promptly slap yourself as hard as you can on your left cheek.
If the thought bubbles to the surface again when you stumble across some beautifully packaged holiday cleaning sampler basket at one of those body lotion shops, repeat the cheek procedure. And continue this repetition every. single. time. you find yourself thinking of a cleaning product and Christmas simultaneously.
There are TWO exceptions to this rule. The two times purchasing “cleaning items” is a good idea are:
1.) If you are purchasing a gift card for a cleaning service
2.) If you are purchasing a robotic vacuum cleaner (my Roomba was maybe my favorite gift EVER).
4.) A scale.
If this requires an explanation, you’re too far gone for me to help any further.
5.) Personal Hygiene Paraphernalia
So your wife’s legs look more like those of a yeti than those Victoria Secret angels you saw on that “fashion show” you recently caught on TV? Tough, buddy.
Welcome to marriage between the months of September and May. This is NOT a cue that you should buy her a fancy razor and herbal shaving gel.
That pesky upper lip hair something she complains about? Don’t take the bait. She does NOT want you to buy her hair bleach.
Also in the personal grooming category of oh-hell-no? Stretch mark cream, foot softening cream, anti-wrinkle cream…pretty much any “cream” is just an absolute non-starter.
6.) Something that secretly YOU want.
I know you’re a real genius, and you believe that she’ll never pick up on the fact that those football season tickets at YOUR alma mater are really kinda sorta more for you than her. Sure, you can write “I wanted to give you the gift of special quality one on one time for us together as a couple” on the gift tag.
You better hope the going rate for those suckers on StubHub is still pretty decent, and that the doghouse is clean because that’s where those tickets are headed, and that’s where you’re headed right after the tickets are gone.
Now granted, all women are different and if she loves football at her alma mater, or she loves UFC fighting then, by all means, get those tickets and thank your lucky stars your spouse is awesome.
But if you find yourself thinking that your wife would really love a new techy gadget that’s on the market but she still uses a Palm Pilot, my guess is that your radar is a bit off.
7.) A workout video
So she’s been talking about how she wishes she could find the time to work out more. She’s mentioned wanting to go to the gym or find a new routine. And she’s probably more than serious about those thoughts and desires.
But that does NOT mean that she wants you to buy her a treadmill for Christmas, or the newest Bodyshred, P90X, or Zumba DVD. Nor does she want you to buy some huge piece of exercise equipment for your home or a gym membership.
While it is true that she may actually love any one of the above items, anything involving working out should be left to her and her alone to purchase. It just doesn’t feel good to unwrap an elliptical trainer from your spouse.
Now if she has said, straight up that she wants YOU to get her one of the above items, OR you saw if was actually written in ink within her letter to Santa this year that she wants a Jillian Michaels DVD, then by all means, go right ahead. But treadmill carefully, friend. You are swimming and burning calories in shark-infested waters.
8.) A framed picture of yourself. Alone.
That would just be creepy. Photo of the two of you on a favorite trip or at some meaningful event? Great idea. You posing with your award-winning bluefish that you caught while on that 3-day fishing trip with your buddies while she was alone watching the kids? That’s a hard pass.
9.) An I.O.U.
Soooo, you’ve been really, really busy. Truth is, you just couldn’t find the time to shop for her this year. So you hastily write up an I.O.U. at 11:49 pm on December 24. Oh wow. There are no two ways about it. You are dead meat.
Your wife doesn’t want to hear that “Amazon Prime screwed up.” She can check the order and quickly see you didn’t shop until 12/23. ” “It should have been here by now,” isn’t going to cut it.
Did your gifts make it under the tree this year? Was she too busy? Heck yes, she was too busy, but she made your gifts a priority, and you need to do the same. A hand-scribbled coupon for a “romantic massage” is NOT going to be well received.
That’s a wrap. If you simply stay far, far away from these 9 items, I’ll go out on a limb and say that this Christmas may definitely be NOT the worst one, ever. Congratulations! And remember: chocolate and massage gift cards are never, ever a bad idea 😉 🎄!
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